Talking about my lowest point...

Recently there was a time that i got so low that I have no desire to live. I have nothing to look forward to. Everything looked so bleak, so dark, no ray of hope. I felt that I'm slowly drowning and no one can hear my cries. Silently, Im slipping away into the darkness.

It could be a personal experience of family "hiccups" or family "war" or recent demise of loved ones ...many recurring fitnahs tossed on me ..Everything in one. And I dont like to confide in others. I just let it rot within myself.

I used to confide in God but as my confidence slipped away and I felt that I am not a good muslim, not a good mother, not a good daughter or whatever... I tend to shun away from God too (my mistake)

And writing this blog, I felt that I need to be rigid and not open with my thoughts but I think again..Blog is like a diary of thoughts. If I cannot share my feelings and experience then what other channels can I go to, rite?

And s o I dont care what others think, I know my own niat...so here I am, opening up a little...

Anyway, I felt so low that I dont deserve to live...i know those are crappy thoughts and that syaithan are just happy I have those thoughts probably they add more fuel to my fire and thus the negative thoughts grew.

i cam to a point that I dont care about anything even my kids and then I think, I must do something. I began to watched movies that can bring tears to my face like "The Message" or nasheed with death as a message...

It worked a bit then I started to think that I must do something..I cannot continue doing this...

and I have left my best friend behind..the Holy Quran...

then, I decided to slowly....gain that confidence my slowly refreshing my old surahs...slowly and no pressure...for fear that my heart refuse and just turn away again...

Sometimes, we got to pujuk the heart/console it, say nice things...kata2 manis....

to be continued...